sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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