im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize