Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Randomize
