Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Randomize
