...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
don't judge my taste in strippers
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
