meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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