what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
I can text with my tongue
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
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