My liver just broke up with me...
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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