it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
