i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
