I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
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