You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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