mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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