Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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