rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
