Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
