Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I wish they made helmets for livers.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Randomize
