i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
