I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize