Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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