Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
