just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
