Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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