I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
