I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Randomize
