I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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