I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Randomize