I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
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