omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
