I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
