he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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