I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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