Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
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