apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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