Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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