I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
