i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
