1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
