She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Randomize
