if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
