Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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