im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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