what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
