She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
being pregnant is like rehab
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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