I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
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