a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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