I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
