last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
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