so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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