the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
