So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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