Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
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