it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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