You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
