I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
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