yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
