I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
