I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Randomize