If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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