Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
