you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Randomize
