a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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