it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
People in love make me want to vomit
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
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